Bitch

I am becoming a person I don't want to be: snappish and bitter and not happy for other peoples' happiness. I am sick of people who are on their 18th child but still talk about their "trying to conceive" trouble, I am sick of women who get sneezed on by their husbands and get pregnant, I am sick of stories of people who had an "opps". I am sick of disappointment, sick of being scared I will never have a child. I am sick of being almost 39, sick of having lost my sons, sick of having had miscarriages, sick of failing when all the odds that we can stack are stacked in our favor. I am sick of people implying that if I just ignored the Drs and went on vacation and drank wine we would of course get pregnant. I am sick of fearing my house, sick of fearing the moist Bay Area, sick of fearing MOLD, I am sick of pitching myself as a tutor, sick of only being able to approach acting in a half in half out way. I am sick of wanting and not having, I am sick of limbo, I am sick of sadness. I am sick of getting older, I am sick of having to care about my age. I wouldn't care about my age at all if I didn't have to think about eggs and ovaries. I am sick of being childless, I am sick of being a bitch inside my own head and bitter inside my own heart. I am capable of being a very happy person. I am sick of being a very unhappy person.