The Beat Goes On

Heartbeat, that is...

Oy, what a ride. Today's sonogram revealed something inside the sac with a beating heart. I saw it on the screen, and I thought: is this really there, or do I just want it to be there so much that I am making my mind see it.

The doctor said, "There has definitely been growth; there is something in that sac, and if I use my imagination, I can almost see it moving".

I said, "Oh, I have a great imagination! Let's imagine, shall we?"

And we kept looking at the screen, from this angle and from that, and we kept seeing something moving. Beat Beat Beat...

Now, before we get our hopes up too high, the doctor said he is still not happy with what he is seeing. It is still way too small for the age it should be according to my blood tests (sometimes I think we know too much), and, it looks weird.

Ok, the doctor didn't use the term weird. That's me. But I asked him if it was just that the growth seemed small, or did it seem weird too. He said "weird too".

He thinks the egg is still a genetic dud, and will miscarry within two weeks.

But he also said maybe not.

So I'm left trying to figure out how to keep putting one foot in front of the other while I walk around pregnant with my weird egg. Honestly, I'm beginning to think that we know too much. If I'd been less vigilant with my pre-natal care, I wouldn't know a thing except that I was three weeks late on my period with a positive pregnancy test and a miracle in my womb. Instead of walking around trying not to feel like a doomed time bomb.

As far as I can reason it out, there is no choice here but to be hopeful. It won't hurt any less if I'm not. All I can do is be thankful for the life that is doing it's level best to start inside of me, and hope that my weird egg turns into a happy, healthy, wonderful, wacky, weird child.

Weirder things have happened.