I feel like I've lived enough life already this week that surely it must be Friday.
Sorry for the long delay in publishing: I'm getting my ass kicked emotionally, and haven't been making it to the blog. I suppose that is exactly the time to write, so I'll try to be better.
Here's where I'm at right now: I find it so hard to tolerate that there is some sort of grand design or scheme at work here. First, I feel like raging against a G-d that is so narrow that he can find no better way than the loss of children to teach some lesson. Second, it makes me feel cursed or jinxed or plagued.
I'm trying to make my way toward the idea that bad stuff is relatively random: pain and grief and disease and war and loss aren't visited upon us to punish us, they are just out there and everyone gets smacked by something before they get off this ride.
Now, the choice is what we do with the experience. Do we let it turn us permanently bitter, do we let it isolate us from those we love, including G-d, or do we instead wrestle with the angel to find something to pull from the experience, some way we can be better in honor of what was lost. So that nothing gets wasted. A sort of emotional recycling? It's not easy, being green. ;)
That's all I got right now.
Meanwhile, I find myself slammed back to the beginning of my grieving process. I am short with everyone, including those I am really relying on right now like my sister-in-law and my Dad (who is pursuing the whole Ben Hur Moving Co. claim for us). I am also dragging my body through workout after workout, trying to strip the remaining reminder of the sons who aren't here. I like working out, but this is something different, some mania.
People keep telling me to nurture myself right now. I'm not sure how. When I slow down I get all weepy, and I've been all weepy for like 6 months now. I'm a little spent with all weepy.
Can you believe it has only been six months since the boys were born? It feels like another life time ago. So so strange.
More soon. -LJMK
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1 comment:
It's okay to be where you are at. There is no time limit though I can understand the need and want to move on.
Call me and let's have some tea, coffee, hot chocolate. Maybe we can walk on a beach or in a park and we can get to know each other and talk about anything you'd like.
Hugs.
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