Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day

Sheesh.

I can't get out from under the grip of this one. I know we've been warned that holidays are hard, but Valentine's Day couldn't possibly count, could it?

All week, I've been racing around: auditions, students, classes, dates with new friends and with family. Today, Fri, I finally had a daytime with no appointments. Just a little time to luxuriate in some stillness.

The stillness, it seems, is where the pitfalls hide.

I haven't been able to stop crying all day. I'm still fighting that racing train feeling and I feel like my head is going to pop off. I can't find comfort in anything: not in reading, or resting, or eating, or writing. I know I should have left the house, but it is pouring outside and I just couldn't muster it.

On Wed, I received an e-mail from a local casting director/friend, asking if I were available to participate in a performance on Monday night. It is a hip organization, and I was really excited to be thought of and included.

I invited a few friends and family, and over the next few hours starting to feel a deep sense of panic: had the casting director actually offered me a part, or was she just checking my availability? I was pretty sure she was inviting me to do the show, but I couldn't drop my sense of panic. I felt this bizarre sense of depression and guilt, as if I'd jumped the gun and counted on something I shouldn't have, or like I was so eager to have something good in my life I had imagined it into being and it was all a facade.

I realized this was the same thing we went through when Bruno got his new job: we didn't tell anyone about the job until he'd completed the first day of work. We no longer trust that good things that are promised will actually come to pass. I was experiencing the same thing now.

I decided to put myself out of my misery and just call the casting director. She was lovely and told me all about the part she had picked out for me.

Ahhh.

And you'd think that would be the end of it, but all day I haven't been able to unfunk. I'm sure it the weather isn't helping, and do you know what: I think that stupid Hallmark holiday coming up tomorrow is affecting me.

Sheesh.