You Know Its Been Too Long When....

..you can't remember the password to your own blog. Yikes.

OK, how to get back into this. Well, when last you heard from me, I was disappearing down the Rabbit Hole of imaginary mold. Not sure I can truly say I'm out of the hole, but I have located a ladder or two. I've started acupuncture, with a practitioner who specializes in reproductive issues, including loss, so that feels like a good match and a great addition to the "help Lisa and Bruno start a family" team. And, I found a therapist who specializes in reproductive issues and loss (like a sex therapist, but significantly less fun?), and I've started work with her. I don't know why I waited so long, actually: it seems ridiculous now that I thought I could get through all this without a little professional help.

In the meantime, and perhaps not surprisingly during this incredibly rainy season in California, things have started to grow. Purple crocuses popped their regal heads out in the very center of my lawn for no apparent reason. Fat gorgeous Calla Lillies have appeared among my recycling bins. Stone fruit trees, with their delicate pink and white blossoms, are coming into bloom along every roadway. And my phone is starting to ring again, with students and acting opportunities alike.

First came the students. A call from a friend of a friend of a friend whose daughter I had tutored in NYC had gotten my name and wanted SAT tutoring for her wayward, underachieving son. A co-worker of my brother's past nanny's husband heard that I was a wiz at the GMAT and wanted some last minute cramming action. And asked if he could then pass my name along to the admissions officer at Berkeley. And so on.

And then came the acting. That Casting Director I so egregiously interrupted that night I went to the theatre (see: With a Little Help from my Friends, Part I), invited me to perform in the next show, and now in the show after that. And has invited me to play parts in two table readings (I'm going to devote an entire blog post to the pure glory that is a Table Reading, so stay tuned). My new agents have been sending me on about an audition a week, everything from commercial to film to industrial. And I've been running all around town auditioning for student films, just trying to get my chops back.

The truth is, I feel like I'm running on one cylinder. Not with tutoring. Thank G-d for tutoring: I do it well, and it always grounds me and brings me back to myself no matter what. But with acting, I feel very hit or miss. Some moments I feel like I'm better than I've ever been: unconcerned with what others think, and therefore more able to completely commit to the task at hand and have fun with it. But other times, I feel like I'm going to have a nervous breakdown trying to park before an audition in the city or driving to new destinations in Berkeley, that my head is going to explode sitting in the waiting room, listening to everyone know everyone else and pass around baby photos. And my performances suffer for it. I am not relaxed, not on my game, unable to connect: my impulses are not flowing and I feel like a stuffed olive. It is a rotten, exposed feeling.

Hopefully, the acupuncture and therapy will help: I know it is all connected. This whole recovery process has felt like a rebirthing of myself, learning how to everything all over again. I guess acting, that art which has always lived so close to my heart, is the last thing to come back into being. The final frontier on which to forgive myself for life going on without Archer and Pedro. Well, perhaps not the very last arena. Perhaps, if we're very very lucky, there'll be one more epic battle to fight, one more old new path to tread.