A Dream

Standing outside the backdoor of a doctor's office building, holding an old wooden ladder. I'm waiting for my cousin to come meet me and give me support through the appointment. It occurs to me that maybe she has gone in the front entrance and is waiting for me at the doctor's door. I go in the backdoor and am struggling to make it up the stairs holding the ladder, when a woman ahead of me on the stairs grabs it and carries it up for me.

When I get to the second floor, it is a wreck, covered with painter's dropcloths, plastic coverings and old furniture. I abandon the ladder almost without noticing and begin to work my way through the chaos, climbing over and under, struggling through.

Finally, I make it to a clearing in the middle, where my cousin is waiting for me. She holds a bouquet of balloons and a basket of goodies. Next to her is a nurse, holding the same things. Together, they welcome me, congratulate me, and help me find my way to the doctor's office.

Here are some of my interpretations and thoughts: the ladder represents an old way of doing things, an old vision of how my life would go, or how I would reach the heights I hoped to attain. The woman ahead of me on the stairs, further along the journey than I, helped relieve my burden. The disastrous second floor represents the outrageous fortune we've experienced since the middle of last year, a chaos and pain I've covered up with cloths in this dream, protecting both it and myself. Faced with such chaos, I let go of past ideas almost without noticing; I leave previous burdens behind. Climbing over and under and through is my struggle to work my way through everything. And the clearing in the middle, with the congratulations and balloons and baskets: a pregnancy? a baby? a clearing of the space in my mind and soul to find a little peace? A friend looked up balloons in a dream book and found they mean "unrestrained joy". That brought tears to my eyes. And all through, the ghost of my twins: two entrances, the second floor, two sets of balloons and baskets. My secret wish.