Birth Days

So today happens to be my birthday. I had a horrible time sleeping last night, so I guess it must be affecting me. Maybe I'm deluded, but I don't think I would care much about getting older this year if we weren't still in the middle of trying to start our family. Other than this journey, I'm pretty happy with my life: I love my husband and my marriage; I love spending my days acting and teaching and enjoying the outdoors of Northern CA; I love the friends I've made so far in this world and I'm confident of many more to come. I'm doing the things I've always wanted to do, all except this one.

My sister-in-law is about to give birth to her fourth child. I think this added to the sleeplessness. I'm working so hard to be an enormous person: magnanimous and confident in the fact that other people's good fortune doesn't take away from or even relate to my own. I am having only moderate success in this struggle. The dark breezy early morning hours lying flat awake in my bed are my least successful moments. I am impressed, however, with the terrific imagination I am displaying in my inside my head diatribes and snarky comments. Someone should write a play.... :)

But all and all, this season of birth days isn't as bad as I anticipated it might be. Yesterday, a group of new friends celebrated me with a brunch and a walk, and I forgot all about biology and age and felt purely happy that there are people around who are glad I was born. I forgot all about what has occurred and what has not and what is coming up, and just experienced being celebrated for surviving. For still being here, for still fighting the good fight. And that felt good. And although in the quiet of my own head I get madder and meaner than even I thought possible, when I step out of bed and into reality, when I talk with my scared, frustrated sister-in-law, fighting her own battles and demons, when I see my niece and nephews, my kin, my clan, I move an enormous step in the right direction.

Not bad.