Sitting here, staring at the blinking cursor. It's been such a long time since I've posted, I wonder if all my readers have given up on this site. Dear readers, don't go away. I'm still here. I'm just a bit stuck.
Things are not nearly as bad as they were a year ago, when we were struggling for each breath. We are now fully functioning at work and on social dates and out and about in the world. But when the action stops, when the workdays finish, when the dates are done, a heaviness settles on us, and the weight of our unfulfilled dream presses the heart out of us.
Many, many unoccupied hours are spent in front of the TV; the desire to be taken out of ourselves is overwhelming and TV serves this purpose: a relatively benign narcotic. Like a junkie needing her fix, I can hardly wait to crawl back in from the improv rehearsal or the commercial audition and snuggle into my safe little spot on my yellow leather couch and disappear into the drama of Project Runway or Glee. I start to breath again, and it helps the hours pass until I can put another day of waiting to bed.
Looking at myself from the outside, it doesn't seem that healthy. But it is what I can manage right now.
The cursor is blinking again. That is sort of what life feels like right now: staring at a blank screen, cursor expectantly blinking, waiting for the space to be filled with meaning.
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4 comments:
I've been sitting here with a blinking cursor myself, trying to think of the perfect thing to write to reassure you that your readers are still here and that you still have people cheering you on as you navigate these difficult waters and try to find a way to fill the blank spaces on the way. Hugs to you, Lisa.
Do you know about the HAND Service of Remembrance in Woodside tomorrow morning? My family won't be able to make it this year, but it's supposed to be a lovely event.
Also, if you haven't read this blog, I highly recommend it - http://www.glowinthewoods.com/ - it's a collaborative space for "babylost" parents that's refreshingly free of schmaltz and cherubs and angel references. I wish I had found something like this in the weeks and months after losing our daughter. Even now, it's nice to have found an online resource for baby loss that I can actually relate to.
Jen,
Thank you so much, for reading, for responding, for supporting.
Yes, we will be at the HAND service of remembrance today. And I'll check out glowinthewoods. Thanks,
Exactly what Jen said-- Your readers will always be here. Thinking of you and hoping to see you very soon!
Don't give up... I'm here too!!!
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