How Quickly They Forget

This is shameful, but I am still mourning the loss of my twin sons, and yet I have also started to panic already about becoming a Mom to this new life, all the freedoms I'll lose, all the body shape I am already losing. Where is that wonderful selflessness and grace I'm supposed to be filled with, the sense of "nothing else matters but bringing this new life into the world". How is it I'm already feeling grumpy about not being able to workout anymore and about how long it will be before I finally get to be an actress again. Why don't these lessons stick longer.

Or maybe they do. Maybe the learning is in the fact that I notice now, the fact that I'm not a sobbing mess on the floor about these things, I just am aware of the mild panic I feel, and more importantly, aware that in the not so distant past, I was filled with a clarity about the weight of each of these concerns, and about what really matters.

I remember during the early days of living with losing Pedro and Archer I thought, "Boy, remember how much time I wasted worrying about everything I'd give up to become a Mom. And how silly that all is, because now I understand that what you gain is just so so worth anything you might lose." But I guess the point is that I do remember that, even if I can't totally get on board with it as I watch my ass expanding at an exponential rate. I think I really thought tragedy would allow me to transcend being human and jump right to enlightened saint. Ah well, looks like I remain staunchly human and I'll have to keep fighting for my glimpses of understanding, clarity and perspective just like everyone else. Well, maybe not quite like everyone else.