Today is not a good day. I have been crying pretty much since I got up. I can vaguely recall that it always seems hardest on the days leading up to a milestone, so I am trying to relax into the fact that today will be the worst of it and tomorrow should be a little better. I'm not really succeeding yet.
Today, I am finding myself wanting to throw out the baby with the bathwater; what a horrible metaphor, and yet how utterly, morbidly appropriate as well. Today, I want to walk away from it all, to move to another country, to run away from my life, my family, my marriage, to sit down on the side of the road somewhere and just not get up again. Today, it just feels too hard to keep being hopeful, to keep being at all.
Today, I'm tired of pain, of sorrow, of disappointment. Today, I'm tired of disappointing others, especially poor Bruno. Today, I am tired of hearing bad news, tired of worrying and doubting, tired of feeling.
Today is not a good day. Let's just get through today, and get on to tomorrow.
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my account of the days and months following the loss of our twin boys, Pedro and Archer, at 24 weeks and 4 days.
If you don't know the story of Pedro and Archer...
I decided to pick up this blog with where we currently are in our journey, but if you want to read the story of our sons, Pedro and Archer, and how they came into and left this world, take a look in the Blog Archive: I posted the set of e-mail updates I sent from the hospital and beyond. They chronicle our journey thus far, and are my best attempt to honor our sons and all the wonderful people who have sent us and them positive energy.
Thanks for reading.
Thanks for reading.
Posts
Blog Archive
- July 2008 (6)
- August 2008 (1)
- September 2008 (1)
- November 2008 (9)
- December 2008 (10)
- January 2009 (9)
- February 2009 (5)
- March 2009 (6)
- April 2009 (7)
- May 2009 (4)
- June 2009 (4)
- July 2009 (10)
- August 2009 (5)
- September 2009 (4)
- October 2009 (3)
- November 2009 (2)
- December 2009 (8)
- January 2010 (6)
- February 2010 (14)
- March 2010 (16)
- April 2010 (10)
- May 2010 (10)
- June 2010 (2)
- September 2010 (1)
- December 2010 (1)
About Me
- LJMK
- I'm an actress and a math tutor, recently relocated to the Bay Area after 14 years in NYC. In Feb of 2008 my husband and I conceived twin boys, Pedro and Archer, and on July 30th 2008 we lost them after a battle with pre-term labor. In October of 2009, we again conceived twins, girls this time, and are doing everything we can to carry them to safety.
3 comments:
Lisa (& Bruno) - I don't know what to say. I type and I type and then I hit the backspace button because everything I type seems ridiculous. I cannot call you because I would just end up crying on the phone - and I don't know if that would be helpful or hurtful. As you say, get through today to tomorrow. And tomorrow you will say the same thing. Just be tomorrow. Don't worry about the next day, just be. I love you. Laura (and Kenny, Max & Zaz)
Hang in there hon. You will make it. Tomorrow will come and so will the next day. You'll continue to grow, with painful times and good times too. Cry and scream all you want right now. Love to you and Bruno.
Thanks, Laura, Kenny, Max, Zaz, and thanks Jen. I know you all are right. I just had an acupuncture treatment that seems to have stabilized my mood some, so that is good. I think I'll put that in another blog post, so people don't worry too much.
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