Studying

I have a student, the child of some dear friends, whom I am tutoring as a general homework helper. This is outside my usual ken, and I suddenly find my mornings are spent reading up on Genghis Khan, or reminding myself the conjugations of Spanish verbs (oh, once upon a time I read literature in this language), or happily, almost guiltily re-reading Catcher in the Rye.

This is not the only area in my life in which I am studying. I haven't been in perfect health lately, and the doctors have asked me to spend some time in bed. And so I find myself studying stillness. Learning how to find contentment inside the walls of my home. Practicing release: the letting go of expectations, the abandonment of forward motion. Learning to accept help.

And honestly, I am not going so gentle into that good night. I am fussing and railing and making mistakes. I am bristling against the change, weeping with embarrassment and loss of control. I am failing to let go, carping from my bedroom perch about which clothing does and does not go through the dryer and which fat content of cottage cheese I prefer. My idiosyncrasies, normally private and easily managed by me are now horribly revealed and making life more difficult for all involved. And by all involved I mean....

Bruno. Poor overworked Bruno, working a full day at work and coming home to cook for a bedridden cranky wife.

Now, on the other hand, let's be clear: yesterday I had to sit still and watch while Bruno rearranged my pantry because I hadn't arranged it properly, apparently. So now, all our vinegars are on one shelf (never mind that the shelf is so crowded you can't get to any of them without knocking the others down), and the second shelf items now fit together snug as puzzle pieces, a marvel of efficiency (except the neatly lined, and possibly alphabetized cereal boxes block the spice wheel from being able to turn). I am studying to let go and smile. And continue smiling when I hear that later in the week he'll be rearranging the fridge contents.

I'm going to have to study harder :)