Out

I've been delaying doing this for a few weeks, partly out of superstition, partly out of fear, partly out of a lack of any ideas for a graceful way to do it.

But I do want to do it, partly out of desire for the support of you my dear readers, partly out of eagerness to keep chronicling my journey and in a less cryptic way, partly out of the knowledge that it is time to admit and embrace what is going on.

So, perhaps I'd better just rip the band-aid off and come out:
I'm pregnant again.

One more band-aid:
It's twins again.

OK. There it is.

Pause for a moment of celebration:
(whoo hoo!! way to go!!! yeah!!!!)

Pause for a moment of gravity:
(whoa, twins again. wow. my gosh. whew.)

Here is the back story: I'll be thirteen weeks pregnant tomorrow, about to exit the first trimester. It has been a wonderful, terrifying, challenging three months. First, the exhilaration of the first blood test: we're pregnant!!! Next the suspicions with the second blood test: OK, the numbers are doubling like they're supposed to, but don't these numbers seem awfully high? Awfully like TWIN numbers. Then the terrible two week wait till the first ultrasound, to see if there is a heartbeat (or two). This is where we had out last two losses, so we were half waiting for the bottom to fall out the whole time. But at that 6 week appointment, there was the sac, and the fetal pole, and the heartbeat. And the sac and the fetal pole and the heartbeat. Twins. The room was so quiet. We were incredibly grateful to be pregnant, to have another chance, but we were positively terrified that my body made twins again. So many memories, so much higher risk.

But, the doctors assured us, we know so much more now. We know the things to look out for, and we can take so many steps to give this pregnancy an excellent chance of making it to safety. The next two weeks were filled with Dr's appointments to set baselines, make plans, reassure the prospective parents. I am being "co-managed" by an OB who has a great deal of experience with twins and high risk pregnancies, and by a perinatologist who, in addition to being the world's most confident man, specializes in cervical issues. I see one of them every two weeks: more frequently if there are problems.

And since nothing can be simple....Bruno went to Europe on a business trip when I was 8 weeks pregnant, and a few days later I woke up in the middle of the night covered in blood. I was oddly calm about the whole thing. I thought: OK, I should be panicking that it is over, they're out, and I've lost another pregnancy, but I really don't think that's what's happening here. I went to the Dr's office in the morning, accompanied by my (at the time) very pregnant sister-in-law who offered to hold my hand, and lo and behold, the babies were both fine, dancing around on the ultrasound, oblivious to the sky falling around them. The Dr. told me I had a tear in the uterine lining, a threatened miscarriage. He said it could go either way, and asked me to stay in bed for a week.

Well, I take threats from no miscarriage! Step in village: my wonderful Mom and Dad, and friends from around the globe came out in droves, literally and virtually, to keep me fed, entertained, sedentary and hopeful. And a week later, the problem had resolved itself. Phew.

Until week 10, when it happened again. This time, Bruno was in the country and we were given a different explanation for the bleeding: placenta previa, only they don't really call it that when it happens in the first trimester: one of the kids' placentas was low in the uterus and was connecting with the cervix and causing bleeding. This time the prognosis was good (it almost always resolves happily) but the prescription was the same: back to bed for a week.

And at the end of that week, with the bleeding once again abated (now my 11th week of pregnancy), we had a surgery: a cerclage, a stitch in my cervix meant to try to keep the disaster that happened last time from happening this time. The surgery went well, the stitch is in place and looking good, and my cervix is looking long and strong. Major hurdle overcome.

And that brings us to now. Monday starts my thirteenth week, so Christmas Day will be the first day of my second trimester. The doctors are being super conservative with my case. They have asked me to greatly restrict my activity. Acting is out until these children safely arrive. As is leaving the house for the most part: I've been granted a 20 minute walk per day, and while I am technically allowed to leave the house, my doctor put it to me this way, "Every time you leave the house, ask if it is really necessary". He also told me, "If anybody else can do something for you, let them". This pretty much takes laundry, dishes, housecleaning off the table. But with those chores also go cooking, gardening, and driving: things that give me pleasure, keep me sane.

Bruno and my family and friends have been absolute angels: my Mom brings dinner over several nights a week, and my Dad came over one afternoon and let me talk him through how to make my favorite bean soup for me. Bruno practically doesn't let my feet touch the floor. I'm ripping through books (any and all suggestions welcome) and have plans to bulk up my Croatian vocabulary and re-learn Calculus. And I can still tutor, thank goodness.

Emotionally, we are feeling a little more hopeful now than we were from weeks 6 to 11. Those weeks were plagued by doubt, distrust, memories upon memories upon memories of our sweet boys, our time in the hospital, our actions on the cross-country trip. I re-dream their birth; Bruno re-remembers the sound of Pedro's water breaking. We are so so scared of not getting these guys to a safe gestation. But at a certain point, you just have to acknowledge the fear and your good reasons for it, and then find your way to surrender to the path ahead. We are doing everything we can to make this pregnancy different from the last time. Now we have to sit back, stay calm, and see what unfolds. And hope that it all works out.