I Miss the Olympics

I miss the Olympics. I really do. They were a good friend to a gal on bed rest. Hours of entertainment each day, all of it with high energy commentary keeping it high stakes and making it personal.

I suppose it is possible, however, that I overdosed on a them a bit, because the other night, as I was turning my behemoth body over in bed, it occurred to me that rolling over while carrying a twin pregnancy really ought to be an Olympic Sport, and a voice in my head started running commentary on the event:

"Watch Morse's technique on this maneuver: this is by no means easy, folks. The way she carefully elevates her hips first, keeping her knees together to avoid irritating her round ligaments. And she's working at a disadvantage this season due to that unexpectedly early bed rest order. Her training has been severely compromised, her strength and control are not what they were when she participated in this event in the 2008 summer games, and yet here she is, participating today like the true Olympian that she is."

"Now, contestants are judged not only on their grace and speed in this event, but also on the amount of weight they are able to carry while completing their rolls. This is where Morse really separates herself from all the other competitors in the field. Most of the women you see out here today will carry an extra 20, 25 pounds at most at this point, but Morse has outdone them all, carrying an extra 35 pounds already, with 13 weeks left to go. Truly an extraordinary achievement."

"Alright, Morse has completed the initial roll over, and now she's just got to get that Body Pillow in place. Her coaches have been working with her all season to find the perfect Body Pillow, and to be honest, I'm not sure they've found just the right fit for her yet. I know earlier in the season she was working with a wedge, and while that worked for supporting her belly, her knees were left still touching, and the judges can take major deductions for that. Now they've got her working with a full Body Pillow, but I'm not sure Morse has had enough time with it to really have mastered maneuvering it properly."

"She's got to reach behind her to find the pillow; twisting would endanger the babies and that causes a major points deduction, so she's got to find this thing blind. There! Now she's got the pillow and, OOOAAAH! Oh, that's a shame: Morse has the pillow but she's gotten it tangled up in the duvet. It looked like she even pulled the covers off her husband for a second, and that could be grounds for disqualification, folks. We won't know until they check the instant replay."

"OK, she's got the pillow untangled, but you can tell that duvet business rattled her . This isn't the performance she is capable of giving at these Olympic Games, and I think she knows it. She's not going to stop now, though. She's got the pillow around to her front, she's tucked it between her knees, and, in her signature move, she hugs the pillow to her chest, gives one final lift of her hips and tucks a little of it under her belly. A fine, fine way to end her roll over this evening."

"Not a medal winning performance to be sure, but I think Morse can walk away from this event with her head held high. The grace and style with which she moves, despite her mistakes, despite all the weight she's carrying...well, that's really what the Olympics are all about, isn't it?"

"And now, let's return to Chuck in the living room, where the 'Twin Moms' Attempt to Resist Calling the Doctor for the Third Time This Week' event is already in progress...."